Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
