I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
