Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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