So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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