i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
