ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
