I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
