I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
