Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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