He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
