seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
