dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
