over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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