dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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