There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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