I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
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