If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
