Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
