***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
