ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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