Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Floor bacon is actually really good
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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