there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
