ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
