Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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