I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
