I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
