the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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