I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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