I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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