So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
