I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
