Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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