you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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