I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
