In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think my vagina is haunted
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
