i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
