This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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