it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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