Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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