I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
