Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
