How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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