I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
