you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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