I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
