Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
