I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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