im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
