did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
