just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize