There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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