I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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