You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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