this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
