there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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