Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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